Ten Secrets to Lose Weight and Influence Friends

Before you start to read these secretive, invaluable tips, please don’t ask silly questions such as;
“What is the definition of a secret” or “What could this author possibly know that all of mankind has managed to overlook until now?”
It’s questions like those that are designed to do nothing but confuse the issue with facts!
So if you’re ready to learn the secrets then grab a drink or something good to eat, get comfortable and read on.
Secret Number One – The first step (secret) to shedding those excess pounds is to suddenly decide that you’ve absolutely had enough. You will not tolerate looking like your present self for one more minute. This is a crucial first step. How do I know? Easy, just look at most of the world’s great accomplishments. Whether these accomplishments be great works of art, literature, architecture or scientific breakthroughs, without exception they were all made in one of two ways; a spur-of-the–moment snap decision, or under the hypnotic power of plenty of booze and a New Year’s resolution. So if you want to lose lots of weight real fast, either way works. If it happens to be July you better go for the spur-of-the-moment decision, New Years is just too far away.
Secret Number Two – You have to decide that you’re going to look like Halle Berry or Terrell Owens within the next three weeks. Without big, fat, luscious, lusty, audacious goals, you’re just wasting your time. Just because we’ve spent the last five or ten years living overweight doesn’t mean we’re going to accept the next two or three months being over weight. No sir. We want big time action and we want it now!
Secret Number Three – Do not listen to medical advice that recommends restricting weight loss to one or two pounds per week. I mean really! Besides, what do a bunch of medical people really know anyway? They’re always soooo conservative. You can see for yourself in almost any “reputable” magazine the hundreds of real-life testimonials of people who lost fifty pounds in six weeks by restricting their diet to steak and Twinkies. Or if you happen to be a visual learner you might be more inclined to believe the skinny twenty-two-year-old who is standing in fat uncle Charlie’s overalls that she swears were ‘tight’ on her just a month earlier.
No sirree! By all means do NOT go for the one or two pounds per week nonsense, after all, if you manage to lose enough weight, quickly enough, you can get yourself to look like a shar pei puppy which means you can pour your energy into a new mission … skin surgery.
Secret Number Four – Now that you’ve absolutely decided that you’re going to lose thirty pounds as quickly as you can wriggle out of your girdle, the next thing to do is decide which radical diet option makes the most sense. Let’s see, we could go on an all cabbage soup diet, but the problem with that is that you’ll probably get tired of eating nothing but cabbage soup after two or three years. Besides, a lot of places such as McDonalds don’t even serve cabbage soup, so let’s scratch that one off the list. How about an all juice diet? No that won’t work, it lacks fiber and sounds way too boring. Besides, you probably like eating with a knife and fork. How about the Master Cleanse and a twice-weekly colonic? No? I agree, that sounds a lot like unsustainable crap. How about Dr. B’s diet or Dr. A’s diet. Since they totally contradict each other I think we’re getting warm. Yes, either one looks pretty good. After all, if it’s authorized by a guy with an MD at the end of his name it must be completely healthy!
Okay, we agree on a radical, unsustainable diet … yes that’s probably the best way to go.
Between Dr.’s A and Dr.’s B, we’re going to go with Dr. B. I like it better because it involves a kill shot bravo cheats online lot of weekly tests, vitamin injections, calorie counting, nurses, eating special foods and it’s grossly expensive. Indeed, anything that painful has just got to work!
Secret Number Five – We all know that to lose weight, ultra super fast, we should combine some form of exercise together with our radical diet. Now the first thing to understand is that buying a simple pair of running shoes or getting that long-forgotten bicycle down from the rafters will never do. We simply must get into something a little more New-Age and innovative. After all, who wants to exercise and lose weight without spending some money? I mean, what’s the point?
For those who are really “committed” (or need committing) there’s an exercise machine that promises a full workout in just four minutes a day! The cost might be a little hefty even for our taste … how does $14,000 sound?
Okay, we want to spend money but not quite that much. There are some great elliptical trainers for around $4,000. Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. The best part about getting an elliptical machine, a treadmill or a flex machine is that they have this absolutely magical way to triple as a conversation piece, a possible work-out machine and eventually a great laundry hanger. It’s true. If you buy an expensive treadmill or workout machine, the coolest thing is that you only need to use it for the first few weeks and after that you never need go on it again and you can still enjoy all the benefits. You see, all the most expensive machines are designed to work through the principles of osmosis. (pardon the malapropism but you get the idea) Once your body knows the general theory of how the machine works, and its intended purpose, from then on all you ever need to do is just look at it. How often? Whenever you need to retrieve your laundry will suffice.
If you’re still in a quandary as to which particular machine to buy, simply turn your TV on any Sunday afternoon and you’ll be greeted with a plethora of infomercials espousing endless gadgets that will have you looking ripped in just minutes a day. Within a half hour of Sunday afternoon surfing you’ll have more options than your credit card can handle.
Secret Number Six – About one week after settling in on your brand new diet and breaking in your must-have-work-out machine, you’re ready to start proselytizing. You begin your missionary work by joining your friends and associates for lunch and start commenting on anything they eat that’s out of alignment with your particular diet.
This is the part where you get to finally influence your friends. You might ask them questions like; “Don’t you care about your health?” or maybe “How can you stand to eat that?” or “Don’t you know how fattening that is?” Another quality influencer that always registers well with people is to liberally dole out large portions of advice. Your friends will positively quiver with glee as you tell them how they should eat and how they should exercise. Trust me, they’ll be gripping their knives and sitting on the edge of their chairs as they listen. Dispensing your new-found wisdom is a vital step and one that should never be overlooked. You can use this technique at home, at work, or anywhere that people are within earshot.
Secret Number Seven – After you’ve managed to lose a few pounds and perhaps drop a size, you need to complain loudly and vociferously about the terrible dilemma you’re facing. None of your present clothes fit you any more. Oh, the anguish of it all. Be sure to remind everyone, and that means everyone – strangers and friends alike – about the sacrifices you’ve made, the healthy lifestyle you’re leading and how you just don’t know what to do now that the excess weight is just falling off your body like a dog’s winter coat. You can tell your friends you know what it feels like to be a snake … you’re literally molting. When you suggest this analogy you’ll probably see a number of people nod in agreement.
Also, do your best to remind everyone (more often is always better) just how effortless the whole process of your weight loss has become. Although you may contradict yourself from an earlier statement about the tough workout you had the other day, do not, DO NOT, let a little inconsistency get in the way of positively influencing and motivating the people in your life.
Secret Number Eight – After you’re about six weeks into the program, and even you’re fatigued of your never ending blather about the new you, it’s time to re-energize the effort with a little twist. Let’s say that there’s a family reunion coming up. Perfect. With any luck you’ll be asked to contribute something; perhaps a salad or even better, a dessert. Either way, you simply have to find something that is extremely healthy so that you can make a statement, and at the same time, convert the rest of the family to your way of thinking. If there are family members who haven’t had the great fortune of seeing you lately, be sure to prompt or goad them into commenting about the new slimmer, trimmer you.
If you can manage to extract a single “positive” comment about the ‘new you’ then you have just acquired the keys to holding stage for as long as you wish.
When it’s time to sit down and eat, be sure to force everyone to at least taste the ‘tofu salad’ or ‘seaweed cake’ that you so “lovingly” prepared. Although you hate the crap you made as much as everyone else, under no conditions can you let on that you find the concoction just as inedible as they do. For good measure force yourself into a second helping while extolling the extraordinary benefits of eating “healthy”.
Secret Number Nine – After three or four months of preaching, scolding and lecturing to your friends, you can allow yourself to get as tired and bored with yourself as everyone else has been for months on end. At this point you can start sneaking the odd bag of chips or death-by-chocolate ice cream. Be absolutely sure nobody finds out at this early stage. Gradually increase the number of times you sneak the decadent treat until you yourself are totally comfortable with the whole concept of “enjoying” your food. After all, you can justify by now that life is meant to be enjoyed. What’s the purpose of depriving yourself of pleasure all the time? After all, we’re all going to die eventually. Continue to become less and less concerned about getting caught eating donuts and chocolate bars.
When someone finally does catch you swallowing two donuts at a time and reminds you about all the “healthy” eating tips they suffered through the past few months, just shrug, wipe your mouth with your sleeve, and enjoy another tantalizing mouthful.
Secret Number Ten – Continue back sliding from that wild diet and new-craze health kick you were preaching until you’re slightly heavier than you were before you started the entire affair.
And there you have it, the Ten Secrets to Losing Weight and Influencing Your Friends.
Number Eleven – Notice this paragraph doesn’t have the word “secret” in front of it. It’s just a simple piece of shop-worn advice that works every time. If you really want to lose weight you have to do it slowly and surely and the process needs to begin from within.
If you really want to change your physical appearance, you must first change the way you think. The second thing to do is be certain any changes you make to your health and eating lifestyle must be life sustainable and share this site enjoyable. Forget the short-term willpower gimmicks. If you approach the problem methodically and logically, it’s a lot easier than you may possibly imagine.
Most of us get caught up in the process, rather than quietly resolving to make the small, elegantly simple changes that will be wwe supercard hack android effortless and permanent.
Thank goodness we don’t have to follow the ten “secrets” ever again. There really is a simple solution.
It all begins with YOU!
29 DAYS … to your perfect weight

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